So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i drank out of a bidet.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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