maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
