Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
