i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
