don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
