True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
