she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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