i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
