My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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