i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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