listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
