Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
