I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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