We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
