i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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