Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
