I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
