Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
