dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just want to make out with him forever
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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