I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
