my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i think i just lost a toe
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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