I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
