im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
