when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
