sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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