he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
