A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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