so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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