One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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