Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
