I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
