I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
