I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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