I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
