u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
