Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
