bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
