just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
