Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
