MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
