You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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