Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
