youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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