Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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