Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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