i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
