Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
