Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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