I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
