So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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